My whole entire life I have never felt welcomed by you. I have struggled to fit in despite trying to change my look, personality and suppress my natural urges by masking because you called me weird.
You repeat sayings like 'be kind' and then your actions are very much the opposite either by sniggering or ignoring me.
I have learnt all your social rules because I figured the best I could be or try to be is polite. You can't be weird right for being polite? Wrong...
I need to be honest because as much as you see me as weird I look at you and your social rules and often find myself secretly bemused.
You say to greet people with a good morning then will walk past me and others like we don't exist, you say it's rude to be on your phone when you are in someone's company then bury your heads in them when out to dinner leaving me not knowing what to do with myself because it is obvious you don't want to talk yet I don't want to be perceived as rude by joining in on my phone so often just sit in silence and watch.
Gossiping and bitching is not nice and not accepted yet I see it done daily. I can only imagine when I hear friends talking bad about each other what is being said about me behind my back. See, it makes you very hard to trust. How can you be so nice to someone's face and so awful behind their back?
Feigning interest in someone's hobbies and small talk is also another one of your rules/ To me why bother? Why waste breath talking about something you really couldn't care less about but apparently it is polite to do this. So I do. I make the effort and give encouragement and support only to be called weird when I share my hobbies or what I like to do. No offense but I hate smoking with a passion. You may as well roll 20 quid and burn it. It baffles me why you would want to tar and scar your lungs the things that make you breathe and keep you alive but hey who am I to judge because you are not supposed to do that.
Did you know that neurotypicals? Is judging people wrong? Because your rules stipulate it is (unless it is someone you can all agree you don't like). Then you manipulate us vulnerable into joining in with the gossip. You make it seem OK like it is safe for us to speak our mind only to go and tell the person later even though it was OK for you to say bad things about the person wasn't it?
You disguise bullying as banter to make yourselves feel better about it. Did you know I don't find half of your so-called banter funny? I find it crude. I don't like someone undermining my achievements. You all do this so often with your snide remarks. Did you know encouragement and helping people be the best they can be is also another of your rules?
The point of this letter is to highlight the fact autistic people try, really try to fit in with neurotypicals. You wouldn't believe the research and effort that goes into it. It is absolutely exhausting to sit there knowing you are not being treated correctly but not knowing how to address it because no one else is speaking up.
You make all these rules then you change the rules to suit yourselves and as an autistic person let me tell you it is absolutely impossible to feel anything but alien and deflated. I can only go by what I know. What I was taught to be correct by my parents. I know when someone is poking fun at me.
I was told in my teens to stop thinking I was better than everyone and maybe I would get along better with people. So I dumbed myself down to try and fit in. Stop being a 'know it all' and try to be 'more normal' you know loosen up go to the pub that kind of thing.
But I have come to realize. The only person I can be best at being is me. I am just no longer prepared to sacrifice my own mental health or happiness to please people who can't even be bothered to smile as they walk past me. Like trust me. There are days I would gladly not speak to anybody but the inner me knows this is rude so I just say I am fine and keep myself to myself as much as possible.
People are always going to gossip. Try to drag you down to their level but our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate, it is that we are powerful beyond belief.
I stopped a long time ago telling people of my plans. The reason being because the comments people make 'why are you doing that?', ' I think you are making a mistake'
I can honestly say since I stopped listening to people and started doing what I wanted to do I have never been happier. Only my closest friends get to know of my plans and that includes holidays and things I am doing around the home.
I try to be very mindful of others and will never post a new home, car or any luxury expense because there are others on my platform who would give their right arm.
Neurotypicals could learn alot from neurodiverse. Humility being one!