Pre Diagnosis - I was a Failure

Before I was diagnosed autistic I was failing at life.

I was always tired, anxious and felt helpless. In adulthood I did not understand why I was so successful at school and University but when I got my first taste of full time work and living out of the home, I started struggling.

I was struggling with a sleep routine, with keeping up with friends in the form of socialising, doing my sports, working and keeping a house and myself presentable.

I felt like I was constantly walking a tight rope.

The pattern would be:

• Start a new job and throw all my energy into making sure I was available for every request, learn everything and try and fit in.

• My activities would stop whilst I learnt the new job

• The housework would feel endless and I felt like a hamster on a wheel.

• I would start getting stressed at my new job and this would start to affect my relationships with colleagues and my performance.

• I would take up my activities again to relieve stress, mostly at night but this then started to affect my ability to get up and be on time for work.

• I would then start getting disciplined at work and this would increase my stress and eventually I would start looking for another job and leave because I felt I had ruined it for myself and my cards were marked.

• I would start a new job and the cycle would repeat.

Once I got diagnosed the cycle continued the only difference was I had a label. In my first job post diagnosis I had accommodations but repeated the pattern until something clicked with me that I couldn't do the same as everyone else because I had a disability.

It was this realisation where the 3 years of therapy all seemed to come into place and I realised I had to set boundaries and overhaul my life.

Once I decided what I needed to do I left my full time 9-5 Monday-Friday and started a job where I wasn't in an office and I am able to accommodate myself within the workplace. I now also work 3.5 days a week and whilst I am not earning half of what I was before, my bills are still paid.

Now I am not failing. I am thriving.

This week I have been able to get through some serious life admin because I am not too tired to do it.

• I have applied for a new driving license.

• Sorted out my no claims certificate for insurance on my new car.

• Wrapped and sorted out postage for a present to send to my aunt for her birthday

• Sorted all the washing (with help from the husband)

• Housework is all sorted ready for a working week ahead

• Took advantage of work discount to stock up our cupboards. The last one is big for me as I always forget double discount days.

Its been a year nearly since I changed my job and my life and whilst sometimes I have wondered whether I made the right decision especially where money is concerned. When I am off work Thursday and Friday the money just doesn't matter.

I am luckier than most but I also work hard to be luckier than most.